My reality during pregnancy and my postpartum life
In October 2019 I gave birth to a beautiful and perfect baby boy, Atlas Santiago. My little one was a whole week late and to be completely honest, I was really uncomfortable during my pregnancy; I was also a little disappointed in myself because I had my baby via c-section. Though I was a bit disappointed and in spite of my lack of comfort, the moment I saw my precious baby, it was well worth it. That's the thing though, nobody ever talks about how uncomfortable pregnancy can be so I'd like to expand on it, and on my postpartum life.
It was at the end of January when my husband and I found out we were expecting and we were over the moon. Honestly, although I was really excited, I was also very nervous and terrified. I was only 25 years old and my experience with children was limited to babysitting my nieces and nephews. I hadn't the slightest idea of what it was to be a mom, to carry a child, and on top of all of that, my mom was six hours away. In spite of all of that, however, I decided I was going to love and enjoy every aspect of my pregnancy. The truth is, I really did do the best I could to love and enjoy it:
Though I tried my hardest to enjoy it all, the first four months of my pregnancy, I felt absolutely terrible. I was constantly nauseous and apart from that, I was attending graduate school. I couldn't fully enjoy my pregnancy because I was constantly stressed about my studies and because my husband was the only one working (so we were on a sole income) so we weren't in the best financial circumstance. The reality is, I hated being pregnant; I was always so stressed out and very uncomfortable and I was upset that the woman I looked to for advice was so far away from me. On the other hand, I LOVED having my son to myself (I know, I know: how selfish. But I was so content and at peace with that experience. It made me so happy). And then, in spite of all the bad, the day came. It was a warm day in October when my little one decided to join us out in the world.
Atlas Santiago was born and my life completely changed; it most definitely changed for the better. And, just as with all other new parents, life with a newborn was a big adjustment. The beginning was never easy but I finally had my mom's physical support along with her emotional support. Exhaustion, breastfeeding, and milk production difficulties did not defeat us. Or rather, they did not defeat my husband. Breastfeeding came easy to me in the beginning, but after a few weeks it became very difficult and overwhelming, I almost threw in the towel when it came to nursing Atlas. I decided I wanted to try and keep going, even now, at six months postpartum, I haven't given up. But, when it rains, it pours.
Although I tried to latch Atlas as much as I possibly could and I pumped my milk production decreased drastically. My silver lining, though, was that I had lost so much weight while breastfeeding. That was a little bit of an incentive to keep going, so I continued clawing my way over this obstacle that was my low milk production. However, a little science, when a woman breastfeeds they get very hungry and due to passing on nutrition, we need the extra calories so we eat more. I over-ate unhealthy food and gained weight at an astonishing rate (25 lbs in 3 mos). And that's where the difficulty in my postpartum life lies.
Despite the fact that my beautiful boy thinks of me as perfect (especially right now that he's got a bit of mama separation anxiety), I feel terrible about myself. To be completely honest, I feel huge, gross, and even repugnant. I know, I know, us moms should be kind to ourselves but it's a little hard to do that when we're under so much pressure to be a good mom, a good wife, and a hard worker. That's the harsh reality that no one ever wants to talk about. We are not perfect and we are trying to overcome so many other obstacles. My hope is that I will eventually be kind to myself, but I also need help from the family and friends that surround me regarding social media norms and the beauty standards that have been set.
I'm sorry for having written so much but I guess my point is: check on new moms, be mindful of what you talk about around them, and the expectations society sets for moms. We also need you to be kind to us. Break the beauty standards and norms, and be appreciative and acknowledge everything we've overcome with our babies and family. Tell us that we're just as beautiful or more beautiful than before we had our babies. That's my personal reality, what I've been wanting to get off of my chest. None of this means that I love my beautiful and perfect son any less, I love him more than anything. I just think that it's okay to hate your postpartum body. Yes, you created and grew a human, but it's also okay if you don't feel great soon after giving birth. Not all of us love ourselves as we should but it is possible to get there. It's just going to take some time.
It was at the end of January when my husband and I found out we were expecting and we were over the moon. Honestly, although I was really excited, I was also very nervous and terrified. I was only 25 years old and my experience with children was limited to babysitting my nieces and nephews. I hadn't the slightest idea of what it was to be a mom, to carry a child, and on top of all of that, my mom was six hours away. In spite of all of that, however, I decided I was going to love and enjoy every aspect of my pregnancy. The truth is, I really did do the best I could to love and enjoy it:
Though I tried my hardest to enjoy it all, the first four months of my pregnancy, I felt absolutely terrible. I was constantly nauseous and apart from that, I was attending graduate school. I couldn't fully enjoy my pregnancy because I was constantly stressed about my studies and because my husband was the only one working (so we were on a sole income) so we weren't in the best financial circumstance. The reality is, I hated being pregnant; I was always so stressed out and very uncomfortable and I was upset that the woman I looked to for advice was so far away from me. On the other hand, I LOVED having my son to myself (I know, I know: how selfish. But I was so content and at peace with that experience. It made me so happy). And then, in spite of all the bad, the day came. It was a warm day in October when my little one decided to join us out in the world.
Atlas Santiago was born and my life completely changed; it most definitely changed for the better. And, just as with all other new parents, life with a newborn was a big adjustment. The beginning was never easy but I finally had my mom's physical support along with her emotional support. Exhaustion, breastfeeding, and milk production difficulties did not defeat us. Or rather, they did not defeat my husband. Breastfeeding came easy to me in the beginning, but after a few weeks it became very difficult and overwhelming, I almost threw in the towel when it came to nursing Atlas. I decided I wanted to try and keep going, even now, at six months postpartum, I haven't given up. But, when it rains, it pours.
Although I tried to latch Atlas as much as I possibly could and I pumped my milk production decreased drastically. My silver lining, though, was that I had lost so much weight while breastfeeding. That was a little bit of an incentive to keep going, so I continued clawing my way over this obstacle that was my low milk production. However, a little science, when a woman breastfeeds they get very hungry and due to passing on nutrition, we need the extra calories so we eat more. I over-ate unhealthy food and gained weight at an astonishing rate (25 lbs in 3 mos). And that's where the difficulty in my postpartum life lies.
Despite the fact that my beautiful boy thinks of me as perfect (especially right now that he's got a bit of mama separation anxiety), I feel terrible about myself. To be completely honest, I feel huge, gross, and even repugnant. I know, I know, us moms should be kind to ourselves but it's a little hard to do that when we're under so much pressure to be a good mom, a good wife, and a hard worker. That's the harsh reality that no one ever wants to talk about. We are not perfect and we are trying to overcome so many other obstacles. My hope is that I will eventually be kind to myself, but I also need help from the family and friends that surround me regarding social media norms and the beauty standards that have been set.
I'm sorry for having written so much but I guess my point is: check on new moms, be mindful of what you talk about around them, and the expectations society sets for moms. We also need you to be kind to us. Break the beauty standards and norms, and be appreciative and acknowledge everything we've overcome with our babies and family. Tell us that we're just as beautiful or more beautiful than before we had our babies. That's my personal reality, what I've been wanting to get off of my chest. None of this means that I love my beautiful and perfect son any less, I love him more than anything. I just think that it's okay to hate your postpartum body. Yes, you created and grew a human, but it's also okay if you don't feel great soon after giving birth. Not all of us love ourselves as we should but it is possible to get there. It's just going to take some time.
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