"I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

 It's been a while. The last blog I wrote was regarding maternal mental health. But, the most popular one—popular amongst my friends and family, because who even am I—I wrote was about my struggle with my postpartum body image. Interestingly enough, I didn't think about it then, but I feel like it was something the Lord put on my heart (if you're reading this but not a believer, sure, call it the universe or what have you). And, I wanted to keep writing and documenting my growth in that aspect. Since then, however, I was in school getting my MA, having another baby, and working full-time. Naturally, I didn't have time to write anything about anything. But, I feel as though something has been weighing on me and I feel as though the Lord has put it on my heart to just get my feelings down on paper (or, rather, typed down and readable for someone who may come across it if and when they need it).  To get straight to it, it's the comparison of children and their "accomplishments," or, rather, their developmental milestones. 

Atlas, my son, is now 2 years old. In my eyes, of course, he is the most perfect boy; he's beautiful, silly, smart, and has such a big personality. He's also absolutely loveable, and I mean, that kid loves to love. He gives great big hugs and little kisses and signs "I love you." I mean, look at him!

What he doesn't do, though, is verbally say very many words. Initially, I felt like such a failure. His cousins his age are saying sentences, they're using words, and they know their names, numbers, and ABCs. I sought validation from others and tried to convince myself that he would get there very soon (I'm talkin' in a week or so).  I cried about it to my husband and then convinced myself that there was something wrong with my sweet boy because he only verbally said a few words and used utterances for others (i.e., "moo" for cow, "vroom vroom" for truck, "choo choo" for train, etc.). People who are near and dear to me began also comparing him to his cousins and other children his age. They did and do it without malice, but we fail to realize how impactful words are and how impressionable children are. I became resentful and unresponsive to phrases such as "You need to start talking," "Say WORDS," "No, SAY milk (even though he's signing it)," or, "Cousin says...". I needed my husband to calm me down and express to me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with our beautiful boy. Especially because, even if it may not seem like it, these things can really get to you as a child; I mean they got to me as young as five. "You don't speak English right," "Say your ABCs," "Spell ___". It got to me that even I started to do things like that. I needed to reflect on times I, myself, may have compared my son to others his age, and what I can learn from that, the comparisons others make, and what I can teach; and so I did exactly that. I found so many different things in taking the time to think about this. The main thing I found was just how grateful I am for Atlas. Atlas is made good because what God makes is good. 

He is "fearfully and wonderfully made." 

Atlas may not verbally say words, but he is multilingual! He learned signs and the context in which to use them at about 8 mos and on, and uses many signs to communicate (and sign language IS a NATURAL language which means he IS "talking" he's communicating! And, that's a whole other category I can definitely delve into with facts and research, but I digress.), understands and speaks Spanish and English. And, not that this is a measurement of his worth, but when asked, he knows his colors, a few numbers, and is trying to say his name. He knows who to point to when asked where someone is (i.e., asking where his sister (Anna) is). But, that isn't the point. My point here is that Atlas just may not be developmentally ready for certain things. Numbers and ABCs are literally a factor of memorization from repetition; it doesn't merit how smart a child is. I'm not saying "don't be proud" that your child(ren) do(es) this... please celebrate it! But, know that if they don't do these things, they are still amazing and extraordinary. There isn't anything "wrong" with them. They are made good in God's image.

It has definitely taken me many tears, conversations with my husband, prayers, and reflection to realize that my son is fine. He is made good. Psalm 139 says: I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well (ESV). Atlas has always been and always will be fearfully and wonderfully made. He will be verbal when he is ready. I'm putting my trust in the Lord for it. That isn't to say I'm going to throw my hands up and do nothing. Along with the Lord's plan, I'm going to try and read to him, repeat words, explain what things are, etc. But I refuse to humiliate him or be a sort of bully—especially as his parent—to him simply because he's taking a little bit longer to learn things. That's okay. He will be ready and I am trusting that this is true.

To my family and friends who feel a little guilty of doing this:

This is not meant to attack you or call you out in any way shape or form. I love you all and am not at all angry with you, but please allow my son to take his time to develop at his rate. Trust in the Lord, His plan, and in my abilities as a mother to teach him that which he needs to learn. Love him and ensure he, too, knows that he is (yep, I'm gonna say it again) fearfully and wonderfully made.

*bonus picture of Atlas being loveable and looking at his sister*