Let's Talk about Maternal Mental Health
I remember coming home with my newborn, and I was exhausted but so excited. We were introducing him to our dogs (Odin and Athena), we were going to be able to sleep (sleep, HA!) in our own bed, show him off to so many more family members, and it would just be so much more comfortable. I had advice from friends about how being a new parent wasn't going to be easy, and how much it could test my marriage and my mental health.
I'm not one to self-diagnose so I won't say that I am dealing with postpartum depression, until after I talk to my doctor. I will not be ruling it out either. But you know what's been the hardest part of that? Is feeling like if I speak out a lot of people may tell me it's in my head, or they'll assume that it means I don't want my child (which is FAR from true), maybe they'll tell me that "it could be worse," or even just treat me differently and not in the way that I need. I feel like postpartum depression is still one of those taboo topics and honestly, this isn't okay. It doesn't only occur to mothers either, FYI. There has been quite a bit of research done on it and yet, as parents, we are too afraid to come forward and say "I need help," or "I feel like I can't do this... I feel alone," even if you are not alone. I've only known two women to have talked to me about their personal experience with PPD and they were very open and honest about it. For that, I am extremely grateful. Otherwise, no one has experienced it or admitted to having experienced it because they feel like it may make them weak or like they weren't good enough mothers.
Everyone's situation is different, and each individual reacts and deals with pressure, difficulties, and achievements differently. So, as much as I appreciated the advice, I took every piece with a grain of salt. Which, I'll tell you, I regret a little bit now because I feel if I took some pieces a little less light, I'd have better prepared myself for the difficulties of postpartum. I wrote about the difficulties of breastfeeding and body image in my last blog, so I'll save you all the details there, but the whole strain on your relationship and mental health I hadn't really experienced in the first few months. Now, that's not to say everything was perfect all of the time, we had our moments but I thought we were doing well and that we were just going to skip over all of that. Well, we didn't.
Before I talk about the difficulties of maintaining a healthy relationship as brand new parents, let me clarify here that my marriage is absolutely wonderful, it's not perfect, but our efforts to make it better every day are endless; my husband is an amazing father to Atlas and the sweetest man to me, and he gives us the world and more. He is patient, always willing to listen and honestly perfect. I will say that the majority of our arguments come from me.
Before I talk about the difficulties of maintaining a healthy relationship as brand new parents, let me clarify here that my marriage is absolutely wonderful, it's not perfect, but our efforts to make it better every day are endless; my husband is an amazing father to Atlas and the sweetest man to me, and he gives us the world and more. He is patient, always willing to listen and honestly perfect. I will say that the majority of our arguments come from me.
I'm not sure if it's the beginning of postpartum depression (PPD), or if it's just feeling constantly overwhelmed (maybe those two go hand-in-hand?) especially being new parents and working from home during a pandemic, but I find myself constantly frustrated or angry. The tiniest of things set me off: I saw a very attractive model on my husband's IG feed, boom, argument; why were there two dishes after I had just cleaned up- argument; My husband stayed up late and it was hard for him to fully wake up for his "morning shift" with baby, and what did I do? You guessed it! I was angry. My poor husband would take the brunt of my anger and frustration. Bless his beautiful and patient soul. A lot of times I wasn't even justified and was outright mean to him. Naturally, I googled the words "new mom constantly frustrated and angry." A plethora of PPD results showed up.
I'm not one to self-diagnose so I won't say that I am dealing with postpartum depression, until after I talk to my doctor. I will not be ruling it out either. But you know what's been the hardest part of that? Is feeling like if I speak out a lot of people may tell me it's in my head, or they'll assume that it means I don't want my child (which is FAR from true), maybe they'll tell me that "it could be worse," or even just treat me differently and not in the way that I need. I feel like postpartum depression is still one of those taboo topics and honestly, this isn't okay. It doesn't only occur to mothers either, FYI. There has been quite a bit of research done on it and yet, as parents, we are too afraid to come forward and say "I need help," or "I feel like I can't do this... I feel alone," even if you are not alone. I've only known two women to have talked to me about their personal experience with PPD and they were very open and honest about it. For that, I am extremely grateful. Otherwise, no one has experienced it or admitted to having experienced it because they feel like it may make them weak or like they weren't good enough mothers.
Here's the truth, I LOOVVEEE being a mom. Especially to my beautiful boy. My husband and I know for a fact we want at least one more and I'm excited about that, but this is also HARD. My mind is constantly running, I haven't slept in God knows how long (which, did you know sleep deprivation is a form of torture?!), and I'm an emotional rollercoaster. I was finally able to open up recently and straight out say "I need help too. Please ask me if I'm okay more often." And you know what, my husband was extremely supportive (did I tell you he's perfect?). I apologized profusely for my attitude almost every morning and explained that I felt like I may be experiencing PPD. It's not an excuse, and I am sorry for my anger but I finally felt like I could let it out. May is Mental Health Awareness Month too, soooo, impeccable timing, Rita.
In a world of constant criticism, it's so difficult to be open about your mental health. Especially as new parents; so please don't judge parents on their parenting styles. We honestly don't care if you did it and "your child turned out fine." And that isn't a low-blow specified for anyone I know, it's just I'm not being overly sensitive when it comes to you trying something different with my child because you did it with your child, it's just that it is one of the very few things I feel I still have control over. Especially when I feel like my mind goes down the rabbit hole of what an imperfect mother I am. I admit that I need help and am not completely okay. I need time, I need to talk about it. So I say to all the moms out their, new or not, speak out. Normalize the importance of mental health especially maternal mental health. We're trying to nurture, give nutrition to and raise a child but the person you were before you became a parent maters too. I'll say it again, you matter too. You need to be able to take care of yourself before you are able to care for a child. We need to be in the right headspace and it is okay to ask for help. It is okay to admit to not feeling okay. I am fortunate enough to have a supportive husband and a huge support system from family, friends, and coworkers alike, but some mamas are not so fortunate.
In a world of constant criticism, it's so difficult to be open about your mental health. Especially as new parents; so please don't judge parents on their parenting styles. We honestly don't care if you did it and "your child turned out fine." And that isn't a low-blow specified for anyone I know, it's just I'm not being overly sensitive when it comes to you trying something different with my child because you did it with your child, it's just that it is one of the very few things I feel I still have control over. Especially when I feel like my mind goes down the rabbit hole of what an imperfect mother I am. I admit that I need help and am not completely okay. I need time, I need to talk about it. So I say to all the moms out their, new or not, speak out. Normalize the importance of mental health especially maternal mental health. We're trying to nurture, give nutrition to and raise a child but the person you were before you became a parent maters too. I'll say it again, you matter too. You need to be able to take care of yourself before you are able to care for a child. We need to be in the right headspace and it is okay to ask for help. It is okay to admit to not feeling okay. I am fortunate enough to have a supportive husband and a huge support system from family, friends, and coworkers alike, but some mamas are not so fortunate.
I urge those of you who have become new aunties and uncles, or just have a friend who is a new parent, to check on your family/friends. Don't constantly talk about the baby, but ask them how they're feeling. Ask them if they need anything. To those new parents I say: Talk about it. I'm also gladly leaving this wonderful resource here for anyone who needs it or anyone who thinks it could be useful at some point.
I want to end this by saying Thank You to my wonderful and supportive husband. You are my rock and you have helped me get through so much already. I love you so much. Also, to the two women who were open and honest about their PPD (you know who you are). And to those friends and family who have allowed me to talk about things other than my wonderful son to ensure that I'm okay and that I know I am a person too. You are all so wonderful.
I want to end this by saying Thank You to my wonderful and supportive husband. You are my rock and you have helped me get through so much already. I love you so much. Also, to the two women who were open and honest about their PPD (you know who you are). And to those friends and family who have allowed me to talk about things other than my wonderful son to ensure that I'm okay and that I know I am a person too. You are all so wonderful.
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